I know I'm not ever going to be perfect, but I'm going to keep pursuing self-improvement as long as I can still breathe. Yes, there was a time that I gave up on it because I was so overwhelmed by my many faults. Perhaps it was fed by the fact that I saw no fruits of my labor. Certainly such a case would lead to intense discouragement.
I sit here and write out of frustration at this moment. In the last five minutes, someone has come through my office and given me grief for doing something that he asked me to do. Unknowingly, I did it in a way that he did not appreciate. Simply put, the job is done. The end result couldn't have been any better. But this fact is overlooked by HIS frustration of the way that I completed the task.
This person is in fact, quite negative and cynical in all of his affairs. Such an existence must be miserable to experience, and I truly do feel sorrow in my heart for him. At the same time, he experiences a sort of denial similar to what we as alcoholics suffer at the height of our disease. He simply won't admit that there is a problem or problems in his life that are robbing him of his joy. I attribute this to pride, caused by a lack of self-worth, caused by emotional damage from the past. That would be the emotional equivalent of the alcoholic cycle of addiction.
My criticism of this person however, comes from the fact that he continues to cause pain in other people's lives without the awareness of the damage he is causing to others and to his own relationships. Furthermore, for me to bring the problem to him would only create a defensive reaction from him and a denial of the events in question. It would be as worthless as a Big Book on a liquor store counter top.
Finally, the worst damage caused by the events of five minutes ago is that now I am left feeling less adequate in my abilities to perform these tasks. It is the completion of the circle of emotional insecurities. If I did not have the security in myself that I have come to develop, this would have reaffirmed my own insecurities in my mind. I would have built up my own pride to compensate for my lack of self-worth, and eventually I would be starting the cycle over again with someone else so that I could build myself up. In this way, my own community will slowly degrade to a society of people merely competing with each other to achieve the greatest sense of self-worth by inter-personal depreciation.
In this situation, I've come to a decision about how to handle my relationship with this person. In his current state, I cannot have a close friendship with him. I cannot associate with him on any other than a superficial level, just as I would not associate with a full-blown alcoholic on any meaningful level. I will be as friendly and available to him as I can, and I will never treat him as he has treated me. And at best I can hope that he will see the joy I have in my own life and seek to follow my example.
As for me, I will take this as a life lesson in my own self-improvement. I simply cannot build or maintain the close personal relationships that I seek with others if I maintain a cynical or negative attitude. Such actions will tear down others and drive them away. Instead, I must look for ways in which others need encouragement and build them up. I've always known that this is biblical, but up until now I have not made a full connection with the purpose of the principle.
We are all emotionally insecure in one way or another. We all need encouragement at times and some need encouragement constantly. I am not on this earth to reinforce negative beliefs in others by tearing them down merely to build my own self-esteem. I am here on this earth to help them conquer their insecurities and ultimately become strong, confident people that will eventually be able to build up those in their own lives. Doing so is a very positive and productive way to improve my own feelings of self-worth, because now I feel valuable to those whom I cherish. And eventually, we'll all live happily ever after.
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