Why are we so insecure about ourselves? What, you're not insecure you say? Oh of course, you are perfectly well-adjusted. So perfect in fact that you don't need or want others to notice how great you look, how smart or funny you are, or how good you are at what you do. You blend in spectacularly with those around you and no one ever says anything bad about you to your face or behind your back. You in fact, really are perfect. Excellent for you, but I wasn't born perfect. Far from it in fact.
I am insecure. I strive to be perfect and I know I am not, therefore I am self-conscious about my actions, character, and looks. Perfection to me is defined by those characteristics I see in others that I deem "perfect." They are those characteristics that I want to take on myself but cannot or will not. When I fall short of my perfectionistic expectations, I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel as if I am less of a person, less of a man, or even feel a total failure.
Why? What is perfect in this world. Whose actions are perfect, or character, or looks? And who is perfect in all three of those areas, as well as any other areas that I simply have not thought of yet. I'm sure that as this very sentence goes on, I will think of another way that I am inadequate...compared to someone else.
Well really, that is why I'm so self-conscious. Because when I go to the beach, I have to take off my shirt and reveal my flabby, hairy, vitamin D-deficient torso to the rest of the world. Worse yet, I've got to do it beside my 23-year-old tanned, toned, and tidy roommate. I fall far short of that standard, I'm afraid. Thus I am quite inclined to create any number of reasons to excuse myself from the beach. In my own mind, I simply don't measure up to my roommate.
What I've been learning about this phenomenon is that we all seem to be insecure, self-conscious, and lack confidence in ourselves compared to others. That feeling of inadequacy must be supported by a failure to meet a certain standard in our own minds. We use the qualities others to define our standards of perfection and judge ourselves according to our perceptions of that person. For example, teen-aged girls will compare themselves to models and actresses or others who exude an aura of perfection. I compare my math test results to those of my classmates and create an opinion on my intelligence compared to those classmates.
Are our perceptions of others always true though? Are they often true? Are they ever true? Are the others we see really that perfect? Consider this thought though: is that "perfect" person insecure or self-conscious about himself or any of his qualities? In what ways does he compare himself to his perception of you and judge himself inadequate?
We compare what we see on the outside of others to what we see on the inside of ourselves. That is, we compare the truth in ourselves to the superficial qualities of others. We take the worst of ourselves and compare it to the mask that others want us to see. We therefore base our judgement on information that is completely false, yet we believe it wholeheartedly. We idolize others and demean ourselves in the process. Everyone becomes a hero to us.
We idolize or idealize those we consider heroes as we consider them to be perfect in an area we so long to master. We envy those who we think are perfect or who have perfect skills. Our idealization of these people is similar to what one might experience when one first falls in love. Suddenly this hero becomes invincible in our eyes and can do no wrong. We lose our speech in their presence and stare at them as if they were gods. Yet you look at that person who is sitting on the bed biting their toenails and think to yourself, “wow, he’s perfect.”
For example many of you bite your toenails? How many of you would admit it if you did? Maybe you have and maybe you haven’t. But if you haven’t done that, you’ve done something equally embarrassing in your life that you can think of. And you look at others around you and you’re sure you are the only one who has committed that social sin. It’s that thing that if anybody found out about, you would surely be ousted from the group as a leper. Because in your mind, you are absolutely sure that no one else has done anything like that. But you don’t see those things in others, because you don’t see inside of them. You don’t see their past. You only see what they are willing to show you. Therefore, you make assumptions that so-and-so doesn’t bite their toenails when you know you do. And because you know you do that you feel inferior, less mature, less valuable as a person than those you are comparing yourself to and that typically would be everyone. You are putting everyone on plane higher than yourself, and thus putting yourself down. In reality, everyone has skeletons in the closet. Everyone has unclaimed baggage. Everyone has those things that they’ve done that they wish they hadn’t, or things that have been done to them. Every person with addictions and every person without addictions has them. Every old person and every young person has them.
Just take comfort in knowing that your faults and embarrassments don't put you below anyone else on the social ladder, they just bring you down from the clouds to the level of everyone else. Because if you were perfect and others weren't, you'd be on one hell of an ego trip. And Jesus didn't die for perfect people, he died for those of us who really need to be saved from ourselves. You can be humbled by owning that, but you can also be encouraged by the fact that you are elevated to the level of Christ by accepting his forgiveness. Just like everybody else.
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