I know I'm not ever going to be perfect, but I'm going to keep pursuing self-improvement as long as I can still breathe. Yes, there was a time that I gave up on it because I was so overwhelmed by my many faults. Perhaps it was fed by the fact that I saw no fruits of my labor. Certainly such a case would lead to intense discouragement.
I sit here and write out of frustration at this moment. In the last five minutes, someone has come through my office and given me grief for doing something that he asked me to do. Unknowingly, I did it in a way that he did not appreciate. Simply put, the job is done. The end result couldn't have been any better. But this fact is overlooked by HIS frustration of the way that I completed the task.
This person is in fact, quite negative and cynical in all of his affairs. Such an existence must be miserable to experience, and I truly do feel sorrow in my heart for him. At the same time, he experiences a sort of denial similar to what we as alcoholics suffer at the height of our disease. He simply won't admit that there is a problem or problems in his life that are robbing him of his joy. I attribute this to pride, caused by a lack of self-worth, caused by emotional damage from the past. That would be the emotional equivalent of the alcoholic cycle of addiction.
My criticism of this person however, comes from the fact that he continues to cause pain in other people's lives without the awareness of the damage he is causing to others and to his own relationships. Furthermore, for me to bring the problem to him would only create a defensive reaction from him and a denial of the events in question. It would be as worthless as a Big Book on a liquor store counter top.
Finally, the worst damage caused by the events of five minutes ago is that now I am left feeling less adequate in my abilities to perform these tasks. It is the completion of the circle of emotional insecurities. If I did not have the security in myself that I have come to develop, this would have reaffirmed my own insecurities in my mind. I would have built up my own pride to compensate for my lack of self-worth, and eventually I would be starting the cycle over again with someone else so that I could build myself up. In this way, my own community will slowly degrade to a society of people merely competing with each other to achieve the greatest sense of self-worth by inter-personal depreciation.
In this situation, I've come to a decision about how to handle my relationship with this person. In his current state, I cannot have a close friendship with him. I cannot associate with him on any other than a superficial level, just as I would not associate with a full-blown alcoholic on any meaningful level. I will be as friendly and available to him as I can, and I will never treat him as he has treated me. And at best I can hope that he will see the joy I have in my own life and seek to follow my example.
As for me, I will take this as a life lesson in my own self-improvement. I simply cannot build or maintain the close personal relationships that I seek with others if I maintain a cynical or negative attitude. Such actions will tear down others and drive them away. Instead, I must look for ways in which others need encouragement and build them up. I've always known that this is biblical, but up until now I have not made a full connection with the purpose of the principle.
We are all emotionally insecure in one way or another. We all need encouragement at times and some need encouragement constantly. I am not on this earth to reinforce negative beliefs in others by tearing them down merely to build my own self-esteem. I am here on this earth to help them conquer their insecurities and ultimately become strong, confident people that will eventually be able to build up those in their own lives. Doing so is a very positive and productive way to improve my own feelings of self-worth, because now I feel valuable to those whom I cherish. And eventually, we'll all live happily ever after.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Toenail Confidential
Why are we so insecure about ourselves? What, you're not insecure you say? Oh of course, you are perfectly well-adjusted. So perfect in fact that you don't need or want others to notice how great you look, how smart or funny you are, or how good you are at what you do. You blend in spectacularly with those around you and no one ever says anything bad about you to your face or behind your back. You in fact, really are perfect. Excellent for you, but I wasn't born perfect. Far from it in fact.
I am insecure. I strive to be perfect and I know I am not, therefore I am self-conscious about my actions, character, and looks. Perfection to me is defined by those characteristics I see in others that I deem "perfect." They are those characteristics that I want to take on myself but cannot or will not. When I fall short of my perfectionistic expectations, I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel as if I am less of a person, less of a man, or even feel a total failure.
Why? What is perfect in this world. Whose actions are perfect, or character, or looks? And who is perfect in all three of those areas, as well as any other areas that I simply have not thought of yet. I'm sure that as this very sentence goes on, I will think of another way that I am inadequate...compared to someone else.
Well really, that is why I'm so self-conscious. Because when I go to the beach, I have to take off my shirt and reveal my flabby, hairy, vitamin D-deficient torso to the rest of the world. Worse yet, I've got to do it beside my 23-year-old tanned, toned, and tidy roommate. I fall far short of that standard, I'm afraid. Thus I am quite inclined to create any number of reasons to excuse myself from the beach. In my own mind, I simply don't measure up to my roommate.
What I've been learning about this phenomenon is that we all seem to be insecure, self-conscious, and lack confidence in ourselves compared to others. That feeling of inadequacy must be supported by a failure to meet a certain standard in our own minds. We use the qualities others to define our standards of perfection and judge ourselves according to our perceptions of that person. For example, teen-aged girls will compare themselves to models and actresses or others who exude an aura of perfection. I compare my math test results to those of my classmates and create an opinion on my intelligence compared to those classmates.
Are our perceptions of others always true though? Are they often true? Are they ever true? Are the others we see really that perfect? Consider this thought though: is that "perfect" person insecure or self-conscious about himself or any of his qualities? In what ways does he compare himself to his perception of you and judge himself inadequate?
We compare what we see on the outside of others to what we see on the inside of ourselves. That is, we compare the truth in ourselves to the superficial qualities of others. We take the worst of ourselves and compare it to the mask that others want us to see. We therefore base our judgement on information that is completely false, yet we believe it wholeheartedly. We idolize others and demean ourselves in the process. Everyone becomes a hero to us.
We idolize or idealize those we consider heroes as we consider them to be perfect in an area we so long to master. We envy those who we think are perfect or who have perfect skills. Our idealization of these people is similar to what one might experience when one first falls in love. Suddenly this hero becomes invincible in our eyes and can do no wrong. We lose our speech in their presence and stare at them as if they were gods. Yet you look at that person who is sitting on the bed biting their toenails and think to yourself, “wow, he’s perfect.”
For example many of you bite your toenails? How many of you would admit it if you did? Maybe you have and maybe you haven’t. But if you haven’t done that, you’ve done something equally embarrassing in your life that you can think of. And you look at others around you and you’re sure you are the only one who has committed that social sin. It’s that thing that if anybody found out about, you would surely be ousted from the group as a leper. Because in your mind, you are absolutely sure that no one else has done anything like that. But you don’t see those things in others, because you don’t see inside of them. You don’t see their past. You only see what they are willing to show you. Therefore, you make assumptions that so-and-so doesn’t bite their toenails when you know you do. And because you know you do that you feel inferior, less mature, less valuable as a person than those you are comparing yourself to and that typically would be everyone. You are putting everyone on plane higher than yourself, and thus putting yourself down. In reality, everyone has skeletons in the closet. Everyone has unclaimed baggage. Everyone has those things that they’ve done that they wish they hadn’t, or things that have been done to them. Every person with addictions and every person without addictions has them. Every old person and every young person has them.
Just take comfort in knowing that your faults and embarrassments don't put you below anyone else on the social ladder, they just bring you down from the clouds to the level of everyone else. Because if you were perfect and others weren't, you'd be on one hell of an ego trip. And Jesus didn't die for perfect people, he died for those of us who really need to be saved from ourselves. You can be humbled by owning that, but you can also be encouraged by the fact that you are elevated to the level of Christ by accepting his forgiveness. Just like everybody else.
I am insecure. I strive to be perfect and I know I am not, therefore I am self-conscious about my actions, character, and looks. Perfection to me is defined by those characteristics I see in others that I deem "perfect." They are those characteristics that I want to take on myself but cannot or will not. When I fall short of my perfectionistic expectations, I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel as if I am less of a person, less of a man, or even feel a total failure.
Why? What is perfect in this world. Whose actions are perfect, or character, or looks? And who is perfect in all three of those areas, as well as any other areas that I simply have not thought of yet. I'm sure that as this very sentence goes on, I will think of another way that I am inadequate...compared to someone else.
Well really, that is why I'm so self-conscious. Because when I go to the beach, I have to take off my shirt and reveal my flabby, hairy, vitamin D-deficient torso to the rest of the world. Worse yet, I've got to do it beside my 23-year-old tanned, toned, and tidy roommate. I fall far short of that standard, I'm afraid. Thus I am quite inclined to create any number of reasons to excuse myself from the beach. In my own mind, I simply don't measure up to my roommate.
What I've been learning about this phenomenon is that we all seem to be insecure, self-conscious, and lack confidence in ourselves compared to others. That feeling of inadequacy must be supported by a failure to meet a certain standard in our own minds. We use the qualities others to define our standards of perfection and judge ourselves according to our perceptions of that person. For example, teen-aged girls will compare themselves to models and actresses or others who exude an aura of perfection. I compare my math test results to those of my classmates and create an opinion on my intelligence compared to those classmates.
Are our perceptions of others always true though? Are they often true? Are they ever true? Are the others we see really that perfect? Consider this thought though: is that "perfect" person insecure or self-conscious about himself or any of his qualities? In what ways does he compare himself to his perception of you and judge himself inadequate?
We compare what we see on the outside of others to what we see on the inside of ourselves. That is, we compare the truth in ourselves to the superficial qualities of others. We take the worst of ourselves and compare it to the mask that others want us to see. We therefore base our judgement on information that is completely false, yet we believe it wholeheartedly. We idolize others and demean ourselves in the process. Everyone becomes a hero to us.
We idolize or idealize those we consider heroes as we consider them to be perfect in an area we so long to master. We envy those who we think are perfect or who have perfect skills. Our idealization of these people is similar to what one might experience when one first falls in love. Suddenly this hero becomes invincible in our eyes and can do no wrong. We lose our speech in their presence and stare at them as if they were gods. Yet you look at that person who is sitting on the bed biting their toenails and think to yourself, “wow, he’s perfect.”
For example many of you bite your toenails? How many of you would admit it if you did? Maybe you have and maybe you haven’t. But if you haven’t done that, you’ve done something equally embarrassing in your life that you can think of. And you look at others around you and you’re sure you are the only one who has committed that social sin. It’s that thing that if anybody found out about, you would surely be ousted from the group as a leper. Because in your mind, you are absolutely sure that no one else has done anything like that. But you don’t see those things in others, because you don’t see inside of them. You don’t see their past. You only see what they are willing to show you. Therefore, you make assumptions that so-and-so doesn’t bite their toenails when you know you do. And because you know you do that you feel inferior, less mature, less valuable as a person than those you are comparing yourself to and that typically would be everyone. You are putting everyone on plane higher than yourself, and thus putting yourself down. In reality, everyone has skeletons in the closet. Everyone has unclaimed baggage. Everyone has those things that they’ve done that they wish they hadn’t, or things that have been done to them. Every person with addictions and every person without addictions has them. Every old person and every young person has them.
Just take comfort in knowing that your faults and embarrassments don't put you below anyone else on the social ladder, they just bring you down from the clouds to the level of everyone else. Because if you were perfect and others weren't, you'd be on one hell of an ego trip. And Jesus didn't die for perfect people, he died for those of us who really need to be saved from ourselves. You can be humbled by owning that, but you can also be encouraged by the fact that you are elevated to the level of Christ by accepting his forgiveness. Just like everybody else.
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