Insecurity breach

The more I get to know people and the more I hear them speak, the more convinced I become that each and every one of us is dealing with a very central and common struggle: our own insecurities. I believe this true especially among the recovery community.

Young or old, rich or poor, intelligent or uneducated, beautiful or homely, each and every one of us struggles with our own self image in some way or another. We are all in different stages of our struggles with insecurity; some of us have learned well how to overcome it while for others it has a constant crippling effect.

Our constant insecurities lead us to seek the approval of others, for if we know that others see us highly than perhaps we just might change our own minds about ourselves. In pursuit of confidence we begin to think and act in ways we hope will impress others. However we are motivated by the perceived benefits for ourselves. When our actions do not bring about the desired results, we retreat in hurt and defeat.

When this pattern occurs over and over again and we find ourselves repeatedly disappointed by the lack of approval of others, we begin to place barricades around our emotions to protect ourselves and our feelings. We talk ourselves into a false sense of not caring what others think but in turn we focus so much on ourselves that we lose all sight of how we treat others. We focus on making ourselves look nice, we buy expensive things merely to be the envy of others, and we eventually convince ourselves that we are better than others. This is called pride.

When the pride of an insecure person is damaged, few if any living creatures on the face of this earth will be spared from the consequences. The prideful person will lash out in fits of anger or sorrow. The conversations of a prideful person will be solely focused on the perceived injustice. Those caught in the aftermath are left hurt and angry themselves, fuelling a chain reaction creating more insecurity and eventually pride.

In that manner pride breeds pride much like I imagine would be the breeding habits of rabbits on Viagra - natural in a way, but with an additive that God never intended. The result is an overpopulation that will consume everything in its path and an organism left completely and utterly alone.

I wish I had a solution that easily broke the cycle. By the time we reach the point of pride our own paradigms are so well developed that we can rarely interrupt them ourselves, if ever it was possible. Perhaps the first step is the simplest in theory though as is often said, simple doesn't necessarily mean easy.

We must acknowledge that we are truly insecure and prideful, for no healing may begin if we don't admit the presence of a wound. Recognize that you are a child of God, created in His image exactly as you are for a specific purpose. Somewhere somehow in our pride, we must learn to trust just one other person. We must wholly trust that person in part based on his or her actions, and in part as a leap of faith on our own. To that person we must tell every detail of our hurts and insecurities. We tell this person all of the injustices we have suffered, and then we admit to all of the injustices we have caused. We admit that we know we aren't perfect and invite God into our lives to do His good work in us. We admit our mistakes and make it right with those who have suffered injustices by our own actions. And we do this over and over again taking notes of our hurts and our fears until we realize that we are no longer motivated by our feelings, but rather by our desire to produce positive results in the lives of ourselves and others.

Simply stated, we take the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and we apply it as if our addiction wasn't alcohol, but rather as if we were addicted to the approval of others.

With my compliments

I love listening to other people recovering from addictions talk about their sobriety. It seems like they always say one of two things about their rebirth. Either it has been great and they can’t imagine a better life, or every single day has been an intense struggle to stay sober.

I think it’s so interesting that addicts seem to subscribe to one extreme or the other. I find it difficult to identify with only one extreme.

In fact I tend to see life as a bit of a roller coaster in a bipolar sort of fashion. Most of the time I’m high on life, living carefree and tending to my responsibilities with ease. At other times I can barely muster the strength to exist.

Today I have experienced both. At my high points I achieved every goal for the day and in my lows I retreated to the protection of my inner thoughts. By the end of the day I needed to experience no more hurt. I needed to nurture one else’s anger. I needed to find a release for the negative energy I had somehow accumulated throughout the day.

After reviewing my day I might be inclined to label this a “bad” day. Low points overcame high ones, sorrow defeated happiness, and insecurity won out over confidence. However, after a recent lesson by a trusted friend, I am not nearly as inclined to draw such a quick conclusion. As it turns out, I had been suffering from a chronic case of modern westernized thought. I was quick to associate a negative feeling with the day. In contrast, I would compare it to what I’d assume is the natural opposite, a good day.

My trusted friend brought about a new concept in thinking, however. It seems that the opposite of what I’m used to is actually the compliment to it: Ancient eastern thought. That is, there is really no such thing as an opposite. Think about opposites for a moment. What is the relationship between day and night? Hot and cold? Light and dark? Male and female? Fun and unpleasant? We quickly label the relationships as “opposite,” in opposition to or contradictory. In this frame of mind the merging of the two creates great conflict as mortal enemies would clash in battle.

This is rarely the case. The reality is that each of these opposite relationships are actually not opposite at all, but complimentary. In the same way as we accept the romantic belief that opposites attract, the relationship between a man and woman is complimentary, not opposite. There is (usually) no battle when man and woman are joined in unity.

The same logic applies to night and day. When the two meet there is no conflict. There is no violent reaction. What there is instead is a sunset, or a sunrise, a beautiful merging of assumed enemies. How would we know what one is without the other? If there was no night, how would we know the difference from day? Furthermore, how would we ever know to appreciate the sun if we never knew darkness, or vice versa? And how would we ever know and appreciate happiness if we did not know grief? Grief compliments happiness because without it we wouldn’t even know happiness existed.

So next time I think a “bad” thought or feel an “unpleasant” feeling, I need not be so critical of it. The emotion associated with it is not negative at all, it is merely a compliment to a positive feeling. It exists for two reasons, first to motivate me toward a rewarding emotion, and second to teach me to appreciate and enjoy that reward while I have it.

I like ice cream

I like peanut butter on my apples. I like windy days. I like ripped jeans. I like the smell of orange blossoms. I like old books. I like the ocean. I like ice cream--alot.

I like peace.
I like sailboats.
I like hammocks.
I like sunsets.
I like candles.
I like to talk.
I like to listen.

I like treasure, though not silver or gold. I like the treasure found in others.
I embrace my inner child. I just cannot control him.
I like people, yet I am alone in a crowd.
I like to be alone. There is where I find my friends.
I like to be healthy. I still feel sick.
I like simplicity. Things are complex.
I like silence. The world is so noisy.
I like to take it slow. Everything moves so fast.
I like ice cream.

I do not like the dark.
I do not like the cold.
I do not like broken toys, broken dreams, or broken hearts.
I do not like "bad guys."
I do not like assumptions.
I do not like risks.
I do not like anger.
I do not like hurt or pain. Sometimes I do like to cry.
I do not like secrets.

I do not like a mess. I do not like to clean.
I do not like to read. I like to collect books.
I do not like to spend money. I like to buy things.
I do not like to go to bed. I do not like to get up.
I do not do what I want to do. I do what I do not want to do.
I do not want to change. I do not want to stay the same.

I know what I like. I know what I do not like. Yet it seems like there is always conflict. There is constant struggle to find an even compromise. Why am I the way that I am? Have I created myself or am I a victim of my past?

I think truth lies within both. I created my past. I am a victim of my past. I am a victim of my own creation. My struggle is to survive and come out victorious.

I fight many battles. I know I have won some of them, but I often feel that I have lost many more. I still fight. The battles are bloody. I have many scars. I have many wounds that have not healed. I wonder if they will ever heal. I wonder if I will be restored or remain disabled.

Will anyone ever overlook the wounds? Or will I be cast outside the city gates as a leper? Will anyone in this world be able to see the strength inside, or will they just look at the weakness of the flesh?

I do not like the dark.
I do not like broken hearts.
I like ice cream.